Courage for Kennedy – Journal

October 12, 2005

Category: Gratitude – Melenie – 2:51 pm

Happy 5th birthday to our precious Kennedy! Today was truly a day of reflection…reflecting on where we are and where we started from on October 12, 2000. We laughed about how the first thing Austin did when he met his newborn baby sister; he licked the side of her face to see what she tasted like! For those of you who know my son, that should not come as a surprise. I was just remembering back the first time I saw her. She was all white and wet and utterly beautiful. We had missed that moment with Austin and my heart overflowed with joy at the sight, sounds and touch of her. After losing a baby between Austin and Kennedy, we almost didn’t have any more children. Yet, we knew in our hearts that God had meant for us to have a baby girl so we persevered through the fear and are delighted in our little princess.

Having a girl for me was just magical. When I first became pregnant, I didn’t even know that I wanted a girl-I was convinced that a brother would be better for Austin and Jay. As my ultrasound got closer and I allowed myself to rejoice rather than fear this pregnancy, my heart longed for a precious girl. I know, everyone says that a baby is a baby and gender makes no difference but Kennedy was as different from Austin as the sun is from the moon. From day 1 she required more interaction and communication. She was not just content to be held but insisted on developing a connection with everyone she came in contact with. My nursing relationship began as a struggle with her but we persevered and this helped to develop an unbreakable bond between us. Kennedy told me the other day that she wished I could be her sister-her twin sister! She was worried about losing her hair during treatment because then people would not say we looked alike. My heart has delighted in having a daughter. While I have a wonderful, deeply connected relationship with my son, my relationship with Kennedy is very different.

I told Kennedy when she was first diagnosed that I would never lie to her and that I would be by her side through the whole journey. This has at times been harder than I could have possibly imagined that day. We have had to talk about the possiblity of her dying and what that would be like. I have had to give her medication I knew would taste horrific and make her feel even worse. I have held her through excrutiating pain that I can not imagine. I have watched her body react to the hazardous chemicals that I allow the doctors to administer and through it all she looks to me for the strength to persevere; I however, find my strength to get through this from looking at her. Someone asked me how can I not be swallowed up by sadness and despair and I say that if I give up now, I’m giving up on Kennedy and that is NOT an option. My children are my life and they remind me that there is hope in the future of mankind. So, today as I reflect on Kennedy’s birth and her gift to the world, I am honored to be her mother and I pray for God to bless her in all she does. She will do great things in the future and every moment she is here, the world is a better place.

Happy 5th Birthday my dearest Kennedy-May joy and blessing follow you always.


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